Man-Cold Mountain

Take a walk with me to a place every wife knows. A place that gets darker the higher you climb and where sunlight seems to wither and die away with each difficult step. A place that tests the limits of your strength and your sanity. Chances are, you’ve been here before.You’ll need to pack well, tread lightly, and pray hard. Walk with me to a place called Man-Cold Mountain.

Woe to the wife making this journey today. Our thoughts, prayers, and hopes go with you, bidding you safe passage.

   

Most journeys begin with a few easy steps, a strong commitment and at least a sprinkle of excitement. Man-Cold Mountain is not one of those journeys. The journey across Man-Cold Mountain begins with a sudden drop from the grace of solid ground, into a graying and murky swamp. I weep for the wife who is making her very first trek into, and hopefully through, Man-Cold Mountain. We all weep for you, from a distance.

The CLINGER:

  
The murky swamp sucks at your feet as you step forward. It begs you to stay in one place, immobile and attentive. Soon moss covered roots from beneath the surface begin inching up toward you. They don’t immediately appear threatening as they beg to wrap themselves around your torso. You hear a voice call to you, a needy desperate voice saying “hug me, hold me, just stay here with me”, and the panic sets in. RUN! RUN before it’s too late!  

THE COUGH SHARE: 

Climbing out of the clinging desperate waters, feeling triumphant and hopeful, you continue. The ground that had become mush, quickly hardens under your steps and before you have time to enjoy your victorious stride, the next leg of your journey erupts, knocking into your ears with impatient force. The sounds around you explode! Thunder joins wind and rain pelting your face and clothes. A moment later you realize with horror that the wetness slapping your senses into high alert resembles spears more than rain. Spears of acidic bacteria begin a vicious assault. Infected arrows fight to penetrate your armor. Your best defense is to escape. No weapon has yet been successful in defending against this spray of violence. Everything around you that is touched by the arrow quickly wilts, rots and dies.

  Some of you will make it out of the acid rain unscathed, others will fall to the arrows. I wish I could tell you that your demise was noble, that your efforts were not in vain, but alas, I cannot. Man-Cold Mountain feels no remorse. However, if you did survive, you’ll have mere minutes to compose yourself before the journey turns again.

THE SUDDEN CURE:

  
Run if you can find the strength, crawl if you have nothing left, but do not stop here under any circumstance. There is calm here, but it is a lie. In the peaceful quiet of this slightly brightening track lurks an enemy. He is a mirage. He plays a beautiful song, sweet and soft and your heart will yearn to follow the sound. If you do, you will find that the music leads you blindly back to the land of spears and thunder. But, if you hold onto your resolve, push past the enchanting song and walk on, the end of Man-Cold Mountain will soon be found.

Bloodied, exhausted and clinging to sanity, you will find the glorious end of Man-Cold Mountain’s dreadful path. You are a survivor. Take a moment to celebrate your victory, and get ready. The path through Man-Cold Mountain will soon be upon you again.  

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The Moms we are

I am not the typical every day parent. If there is such a thing. I try to listen to mom’s talk about life, kids, husbands, work and chores, but somehow I always end up with my eyes rolled so far back into my skull, I’m afraid I’ll actually see my own brain! I’ve started to categorize parents into groups. I’m not sure how many groups I have developed but I have yet to find one that I fit into perfectly. If you’re like me, you’ll identify with more than one, for any number of reasons. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Enjoy!

The “my house is always spotless” mom. OMG let me start by saying that you are my LEAST favorite mom ever! I’m not entirely convinced that you are human. Your hand sewn apron is worn neatly over your flowered dress complete with matching heels, earrings, neck lace and perfectly pinned up hairdo. While you look the part fair lady, your useless kitchen ensemble  doesn’t do much to help you prepare an edible meal.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           thCAQE1ZL2

Perfect wife
Just as I suspected!
  • Just like the monsters in my closet when I was a kid, you are terrifying and eventually it is clear that you do not exist! Nope, you’re just a figment of every man’s imagination combined with some horror story from the 50’s. Your perfectly manicured nails in convertible red, make you proud but do very little for the starving kids and skinny, shriveling husband who’s too stubborn to admit he needs food more than eye candy. Please stop invading my nightmares with your imaginary perfection!

 

  1. The “as you wish” mom. Wow, just wow. You keep your husband happy with a cold beer in his hand when he gets home, you have dinner thoughtfully planned every night, except of course, for your date night which you have expertly timed to fit into your husband’s busy schedule. You may not have all of the shades dusted daily, but your man is one happy camper sitting there with his feet up, while you keep the house running in tip-top condition. He knows your date night will revolve around conversation about his job, his friends, his wants and plans and his pleasure. Happy, happy, happy.
you wish
Am I right?

 

  • Where do you hide the vodka lady because you’re not fooling anyone! Husbands are great, I have one too, but there is no chance in hell I would be ok day after day with “yes dear”-ing my life away so he can sit and relax. Stop pretending you don’t want to break his jaw every time his dirty work boots leave mud on your recently scrubbed furniture. At some point he goes to sleep happy and you’re left staring at him in the darkness wondering how long it would take to smother him with a pillow! It’s time to say no dear.

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  1. The “sorry I didn’t get a chance to clean up” mom. I like you, when you’re honest. You have people living in your house and it is not demolished. Good for you! You did it! You don’t have your sexy outfit on but you figure “hell, no one is here, it’s just us, who cares”? Your husband might like to see you a bit more dolled-up, but he can wait for a date night because let’s face it, he’s not really paying that close attention and make up takes time that you really would rather use to get things done. It’s either this or the mess you say? The mess wins every time. Maybe your kids have left shoes out, dropped book bags in hallways, and forgot to flush the toilet in the guest bathroom, but it’s not the end of the world for you. It all gets done, eventually. Right? You’ll try to wear make up tomorrow.
  • You are right in the middle of the mom spectrum. Not bad at all. So what if you don’t feel pretty? Does pretty really matter anyway? You’re rocking the housekeeping duties like a champ! You should have a trophy for every month you succeed at this level! But let’s face it, you’re letting your looks slide, and he’s noticing.

 

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  1. The “demolition” mom. Something smells amazing coming from your kitchen! Your cooking skills are second to none I bet, and the mess you make getting that delicious meal cooked will be dealt with….eventually…maybe. Your kids have one set of clean clothes left which means laundry day can wait until tomorrow…night. Your mismatched socks and tennis shoes are barely noticeable anyway. That pony tail totally rocks like 90’s pop music and while your house may look like something out of an apocalypse movie, your family is fed to bloating by 6 pm, which makes you a total success. Almost.

 

ew
I think I see your husband under…oh wait no, another cat

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  • Please teach the rest of us to cook, and while we are learning that- please for the love of all things sanitary go empty the cat litter box! The mixing of aromas is not helping us want to eat at your house! While I applaud your culinary mastery, your husband has been missing under a pile of old newspapers for 2 days now, and no one is brave enough to look for him…. Hmmm.. wait a minute, you may be onto something. (wink) No, we should probably try to find him…. Soon. After we eat.

I have a feeling we all switch between each of these groups from one day to the next. Or maybe it’s just me. Please comment and let me know where you stand, where you fit, and what I should add! We are all amazing & Hilariously flawed.