July 2016

Grandiose is a newly vivid word in my world. In a past life, when the words ‘Bipolar disorder’ were just a whisper in a passing breeze, the word Grandiose was beautiful. Now it is a symptom, a warning and a heavy realization.

                When one spouse feels as though they are grandiose, the other spouse shrinks. We occupy the same space, but we do not share it equally. When one of us is grandiose, the other has less space, and the result is me, the hollow spouse, struggling for room to breathe. 

                When my husband set his sights on me he was relentless in his pursuit. He immediately honed in on my children, lavishing them with attention and gifts. My life as a single mom revolved around them, and he made it his mission to join in on our little family activities.

In 4 days he was convinced that we were meant to be married. He felt that God himself had ordained it to be so.  In 4 months we were married.

I saw things that scared me, I dismissed them. I saw his temper, his drinking, and his history of partying (logged nicely on Facebook for years)- I justified those too, telling myself that we all have a past. His promises were wildly enticing. His image of what the future would be like was easy to fall in love with.

As we began to plan our wedding he dove in head first into decorating the chapel, planning outfits in minute detail, and outlining the flow and structure. His every waking moment, went to frantic wedding projects. A few times the tension erupted from these obsessive projects and again I justified the outbursts.

When we met he told me he didn’t drink, he had given it up. On our honeymoon he started, and the drinking continued. It continued through our honeymoon despite my pleading, it continued past explosive fights that escalated to profanity fill shouting, past threats of divorce and separation. It continued after a wreck and subsequent DUI charge. The first year of our marriage was spent with him living inside a beer bottle, while I shouted at him from the outside. We lived our first year together at war with each other.

The second year of our marriage revolved around 2 words; Bipolar Disorder. Looking back, I see the first year through new eyes. His behavior remains unjustified, and our marriage no less charred, but now it looks symptomatic and obvious.

The second year gained a psychiatrist, a prescription for lithium, and a lot of waiting, hoping, failing, frustration and note taking. My husband is still grandiose. While he may admire a small handful of men in his life, I cannot think of a single person that he would not consider beneath him in some way. His ideas are better, his talents are better, his inventions are better, his time is more valuable, and he deserves adoration, affection and attention. I struggle for room to breathe.

I read about coping with a bipolar spouse often. Sometimes I come across others whose words perfectly echo my thoughts. Other times I cringe at the advice given. Blame is hard to avoid, in heart, mind and fight. Respect is difficult to feel after so many moments of disgust and anger boil over into resentment. Prevention is nearly impossible when the only one capable of spotting an upcoming episode is the one person the Bipolar spouse WILL NOT listen to.

So many days I feel like a target. On a good day, in a civil conversation, I may be asked to help by pointing out manic behaviors when I notice them. On the day that I notice them, I become the enemy. I’m asked to help with financial planning after the mania has helped to create a financial panic, until my plan involves the limitation of his spending, then I am the enemy. I’m asked to change my moods, my tones, my level of patience, and despite my best efforts, I’m stuck behind enemy lines.

I feel hopeless. It feels like being slowly drowned. I struggle with staying in this life, and this marriage. I am losing hope. I am not the one getting treatment, or taking medication. I am not the one diagnosed, thereby making me insignificant. I am not grandiose, I am struggling for room to breathe.