Fraud

I hadn’t realized there was a crack in my armor until I felt the familiar sting. The words “other women” pierced through the weakened metal and through my chest. I felt the pulse of devastation radiate upward toward my throat and down into the clenching muscles of my stomach. Red hot, it spread like a brush fire until my eyes burned with tears. He was a liar, he was a womanizer and I was not as brave or as indestructible as I had believed myself to be.  I am also a liar. I am also hoarding secrets. His indiscretions barrel through my core like an angry locomotive, and in its dusty wake, my own guilt is wiped clean.

 

via Daily Prompt: Fraud

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Inhale, Let Go, Keep Going

The size of the world will grow and shrink according to the eyes that view it. Day after day the weight of the world bears down onto your shoulders, and just holding it up takes everything you’re made of. A good night’s rest does little to revive you. Your spirit begins to crack and you begin to wonder exactly what, if anything, you’re made of. You feel like the sand along the shoreline, beaten endlessly by a careless and brutal ocean. On the worst days the world is closing in, the air is thick and suffocation feels inevitable. You wait for the heaviness to steal your last breath, you exhale, your lungs deflate, and you wait. How many times did you pray for a miracle? Inhale. There it is, your miracle. The chance to breathe another breath, the chance to keep going, is your miracle. While you’re spending your energy angry at a God who would allow you to keep going in spite of your suffering, this miracle is denied to many who desperately beg for it.

Though the world may feel closed in on you, the good news is you aren’t alone in it. How self-absorbed we become in thinking our suffering is so great. We hurt, we cry, we struggle but we get to keep going. And despite the turmoil, the weight of the world doesn’t crush you. The pieces of you that feel broken are in reality, only momentarily dark. That light that once was bright has lost its power, but it remains in place, waiting.

One day the world will open wide again. The air will become thin and fragrant and the birds will once again sing a glorious morning song into your ears. One day the light inside you will be fed again and its warmth will radiate from your eyes. One day the sound of your breathing will be a soothing lullaby as you drift warmly into peaceful slumber. Music will be for you, sunshine will warm your face, your stride will be a dance, and your smile will return. One day.

Inhale, let go, and keep going.

Musical Chairs

I told him he was handsome and he told me he wasn’t sure. I told him he was special and he shook his head. His eyes downcast, he thought about my words. I saw the way his eyes rushed around the room, moving like sparks of lightening but seeing nothing. He was deep inside his mind, with my words and his own. Inside his mind our words danced face to face. He said nothing. His eyes returned to me, seeing my face and he shrugged. In his mind the words I gave him were still roaming, in search of a place to sit.  When I told him he was very smart, he gave me a list of things he had yet to learn. My words again went into the warehouse of his mind, and found no place to rest.  Inside his mind, a game of musical chairs played out.  Imagine there are 5 chairs in a small circle within the mind of my seven year old son. Each chair has been claimed. Then, I add a new player. My new player is an expression of positive affirmation. The new player enters the game, and has no seat. The game begins. The music starts and the others get up and circle the seats. The other players are not like the new player. The other players are doubt, fear, worry, disappointment and sadness. When the music stops, my son has to decide who gets a seat, and who does not fit. Time and time again, my words of affirmation are left without a seat, and the game is over.  This is what happens in the mind of my child with ADHD. Meanwhile within my chest, my heart breaks again and again for him.  They called him defiant, disruptive, unruly, stubborn, and bad and those words each found a seat within him. Ask him what he thinks of himself and those words will parade out of his mouth in a declaration of self-destruction and shame. He did not do this to himself.  His mind is a wide open field of discovery, endlessly in search of something new. He is amazing. Facts and numbers enter the stream of his thoughts and return in perfect order. Questions pour out of him and answers absorb back in. He is happy when he is learning, and he is perfect. One day the game of musical chairs will begin to change. One day when the world opens up to allow him the freedom to be himself, he will let go of those hopeless words and mine will sit in their place. He is good, he is smart, he is handsome and he is loved.  ADHD is a diagnosis, not a curse. ADHD is a condition not a limitation. Encourage your children, help them to replace the negativity in their minds, with the love and affirmation they truly deserve. Be the voice that speaks louder than the doubt. Be the smile that covers them. The music is playing, change the game.

The me I hadn’t met 

I have fuzzy memories of a time when I was carefree and confident, before anxiety came and took me under its wing. As an adult all I knew of myself was the fearful woman who couldn’t venture out into the world without a suffocating sense that every eye was on me. I wasn’t afraid of judgment, wasn’t afraid I was being followed, I was just afraid. The idea that someone would look at me became the only reason needed to cause panic in me. 

This was the me I knew. Until 3 months ago. 

I’m tempted to ask for forgiveness for what comes next, but I can’t. I can’t ask forgiveness for my desire to change lives like mine was changed. 

3 months ago I was introduced to a nutrition system. Plant derived vitamins and nutrients, that I decided to try, hoping only for some extra energy in my day to day life. What I got was so far beyond my imagination. 

Anxiety, fear, doubt, the paranoia of eyes following me, went black. Like someone flipped a switch and suddenly I wasn’t aware of the eyes. I had boundless energy sure, and felt physically better than I ever remember feeling, but it was the eyes that made my world open up. 

  Giving my body what it had long been missing, filled in nutritional gaps, closed vitamin deficient crevices and made me whole. A whole I have never experienced before now. I NEED to share this with others like me. Moms who have their minds and hands full every day and barely get through the necessities! The dads who work and tend to families, the grandparents and aunts and uncles and siblings who know SOMETHING is missing, but don’t know what. 

16 bottles of vitamins in my medicine cabinet and I never felt any better. 3 days of Thrive and my body kicked into a gear I didn’t know I had! 

  (31 years old and finally getting in shape)

Please understand that you are designed to live above struggling, above exhaustion and above the financial burdens. You were MADE to thrive. It’s time. 

Please find a way to contact me 

Apriluhoward@gmail.com works 

You can also choose to register for a free account on my site. 

http://apriluhoward.le-vel.com/

Don’t spend another day missing out on the better you! I wish I had met this me years ago! Your family deserves the YOU, that you want to be! 

 
(This was me before. And now I can laugh about it)

The Other “C” Word

The power of a word rests in the weight we give it. Some words are considered extremely powerful, some words offend, some inspire. Still others bend and contort to change according to their environment. Words like love and hate make declarations of passion, while words like life and death convey a coming certainty. Every word can be broken down into a simple combination of letters, strung together to create a sound. Then, one word, on any given day, can change everything. Cancer.

Did you feel that? Chances are, you felt the gravity of that word.

For years that word has echoed around you, playing its benign song in and around your world, always giving just enough space not to invade your comfort. Then one day it comes barreling out of a black tunnel aimed at you. With a savage howl it hits you, pierces through you, and leaves you crumbled in its wake.

His name was John. Cancer took him.

One day the word Cancer took center stage, with only a short performance in mind. Three weeks later the word funeral replaced it, the show was over. Cancer is a greedy word, and it wasn’t done yet.

John’s younger brother was Josh. Cancer took him too. This time Cancer stuck around for more performances, granted a few encores, and when it had the audience on their feet, the curtain came down hard.

When the fog lifted, two brothers were gone. Swallowed by the blackness of the word Cancer.

Then I saw it. Like the ripple left in the water after it has been touched. Like a scent in the air that lingers. Like warmth of a hug long after its embrace. LOVE.

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Love is the greatest of words. Love covers, cleanses, heals, refreshes, inspires, and comforts. When the dark of the world succeeds in defeating the flesh, love comes to light the way out. Love endures beyond the grave, beyond the pain, beyond the loss. Love has this power even when we don’t realize it.thCA9289YC

It may not be possible to remove the fear and suffering from words like Cancer, but we can choose to give more life to words that lift and strengthen us.

Consider the power of your words. How do you speak to the ones you love? What words in your life have you given power to destroy you or others? Could you take back that power and use it to encourage? Could you cover more darkness with the light of love? We shoulder the responsibility of our words. We are individually responsible for our usage of these simple words. Your words will define you and remain long after you are gone. Your words will be your legacy. Be wise in using them.